When saiyans and alcohol mix
by shadowjessica
Summary: ...comedic chaos ensues! Goku, Vegeta, and Piccolo hit a bar in a small lakeside town where Goku & Vegeta get drunker then hell when frozen over! Rated T for humor, language, and OoC.
1. Getting drunker than possible

When Saiyans and alcohol mix...

"Tonight's a night to celebrate!" exclaimed Goku as he and two other people, his friend Piccolo and his frenemy Vegeta, entered a local bar in the small town of Valley Lake, about 30 miles southwest of Korin's tower.  
"Celebrate what, Kakarot? There is nothing to celebrate!" Vegeta said.  
"I don't even think I want to know." said Piccolo, who took a seat in a bar stool up at the counter.  
"What'll ye have?" asked the bartender to the green man w/ pointy ears.  
"Water." Piccolo told the bartender.  
"Water? Why water?" the bartender questioned.  
"Just give me the water"  
"Why not vodka or rum or--" the bartender stopped when Piccolo gave him a look of certain death. "Right. Water it is." said the bartender nervously.

Meanwhile, Goku was sitting over at the other side of the counter gulping down a two-liter pitcher of budweiser. Vegeta sat at the table behind him. 'Maybe I should join in on his joviality.' Vegeta thought as he got up and joined Goku in his fun.  
(20 minutes, 8 Jack Daniels shots, 1 martini, and 1 margarita later)

A/N: Both boys were pretty damn hammered now.

"WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, NOT FRIENDS.." They both sang in unison, and while drunk as hell.  
"It...it's time I announ- (hiccup) announ- (hiccup) said why I came to get fucking hammered tonight!" Goku slurred "It's about fucking time!(hiccup)" Vegeta said 


	2. Goku's reason and Vegeta's fight

Hello, my readerz

Hello, my readerz! Shadowjessica again, here with yet another WAY overdue update to another crazy story. Hopefully, you'll enjoy it as much as you did last time!

Goku: Yeah, They'll enjoy seeing me kiss vegeta!

Shadowjessica: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SPOILING SURPRISES?! (**puts hand over his mouth)**

Goku: (**moves hand)** "don't"?

shadowjessica: Your damn right.(to the readers) Pay no heed to what he said about kissing Vegeta-san.

Just read on and see what happens!

When Saiyans and Alcohol mix...CHAPTER 2

_last time in "WHEN SAIYANS AND ALCOHOL MIX...":_

_"It...it's time I announ- (hiccup) announ- (hiccup) said why I came to get fucking hammered tonight!" Goku slurred_

_"It's about fucking time!(hiccup)" Vegeta said _

_Now we'll continue with our regularly scheduled story..._

And with that, Goku leaned over and kissed Vegeta smack on the lips.

(Crowd gasp)

"That, ladies and gentlemen is why!" Said Goku lifting his head slightly above Vegeta's.

"What the...What the hell was that?!"exclaimed a freaked out Vegeta.

"The...the reason we...we all came here tonight. I...I thought y-you wanted to know, Vegeta." Goku said.

"NOT THAT!" he yelled at Goku, and pretty much everyone in the bar heard.

"Oh no. What's he up to now?" Piccolo said as he got up to see what was going on. As he got there, somebody in the bar shouted at Vegeta and Goku.

"Hey, faggots! Go on home to your boyfriends! We don't need ya!" somebody, whose nickname was 'Butch', shouted from the crowd.

"So, we're faggots, huh? You should talk. Your tattoo says 'mommy' on it. What does it mean?"

"It means that I love her. You better stop talkin' 'bout her, or I'll-" Butch threatened

"or you'll what? Sic your boyfriend on me?" Vegeta snickered back

A bunch of 'OH's and 'Damn's and 'burn's filled the air before butch lunged at vegeta. Butch threw a left. And a right. Left. Right. But all 5 punches were dodged by Vegeta, who threw a dartboard at Butch, hitting and knocking a few teeth out. Butch threw a table at vegeta, hitting and breaking his nose.

"Hey, break it up, break it up! I don't want no more fightin' in my-" The bartender was cutoff when Vegeta knocked him out a slap to the back. Then, the next thing they knew, they were arrested.

"We were parked outside when we heard this commotion. As for you two, it's a night in the slammer. You two need a night to sober up, then you'll go home. That clear?" One of the arresting officers said.

"Release me! I did nothing wrong! He's the one who started our fight!" snarled Vegeta

"Right, like I'm gonna let you go." said the second officer sarcastically

And so the two officer left with Vegeta and Butch, with vegeta kicking and screaming and yelling of course.

**So what did you think? Was it good? Bad? Tell moi plz!**

Goku: Hey jess, I betcha they enjoyed the part with Vegeta starting a **'bar battle'**.

Shadowjessica: Yeah. I cant argue there.

Goku: And the part with me and Vegeta-san kissing, which you totally made me do.

Shadowjessica: Did not!

Goku: (to the readers, whispering) I'll get her back later!!**(evil glint appears in eyes)**


	3. Goku the drunken idiot

Shadowjessica: Hello my pretty readers

Shadowjessica: Hello my pretty readers! Shadowjessica here again. Sorry for not having updated this story in a while. Other things have come up (like school) and I haven't found the time too-AHH!

Goku: HAHAHA! puts bucket at side

Shadowjessica: Goku, What the hell did you do that for?! I was right in the middle of the opening report and you soaked me!

Goku: Did what? I didn't do nothing!

Shadowjessica: Oh yeah then what's that at your side

Goku: Uh, nothing!

Shadowjessica: Tell me now!

Goku: I just told you I did nothing!  
Shadowjessica: I wasn't going to do this, but since you give me no choice….Read the story; I'll tell you what happened later!

When saiyans and alcohol mix….chapter 3

_Last time in "WHEN SAIYANS AND ALCOHOL MIX...":_

_"Release me! I did nothing wrong! He's the one who started our fight!" snarled Vegeta_

_"Right, like I'm gonna let you go." said the second officer sarcastically_

_And so the two officer left with Vegeta and Butch, with vegeta kicking and screaming and yelling of course._

…_and now back on to our regularly scheduled story…………_

About 2 hours later, Goku found himself, even drunker than before, out on the sidewalk. The bartender kicked him out after he had had too much. He staggered until he found himself at a local motel. That's when he started to harass the guests.

"He-Hey there. Mind telling me where the manager of this shithole is?" Goku said to an old lady.

"Oh my goodness, young man! Never speak to an elderly woman such as myself like that!" And with that the old granny hit him pretty hard (A/N: and this is a saiyan being beat up by an old human lady! XD) down in his 'family jewels' area, and walked off. Goku was left, curled up on the ground clutching his nuts in pain.

"Shit the lady hit'em hard." Goku got up and stumbled over to a man, his wife, and their family.

"Hey-Hey you! Tell me where the manager of this dump is. I gotta have a few words with him about a drunk harassing people in the parking lot."

"Please, not in front of the children." Said the wife."I aint doin nothin' in front of your fucking kids, miss." Goku retorted back to her.

"Oh yeah, then what do you call what you just said?" The wife spat back.

"I-I-I call it none of your fucking business, you fucking bitch!" Goku, rather meanly, said. (A/N: OO OoC much?!)

"Hey, don't you talk to my wife like that"! The husband yelled.

"Oh look at you, how noble it is that you are protecting that slut-whore over there!" Goku said back to him.

"Is that a challenge?!" The husband snapped back.

"Bring it!" And with that, they gone and started their brawl, which Goku ended very quickly by knocking the guy out cold, and breaking both his arms and legs.

"Oh no not again!" said one of the police officers whom arrested Vegeta before. They just got a call about a drunk man getting into a fight with a motel guest. "Tonight must be a night for fighting drunks. Alright, let's go get'em." One of them said."I just hope it ain't as bad as the last one."(A/N: i.e. Vegeta's bar brawl) the second one said.

-2 minutes later-

"Ma'am, do you know what happened here?" one of the officers said.

"A drunk man with spiky black hair started a fight with my husband and he knocked my husband out cold! I don't know if he's in a coma or if he's dead! Please, you've got to help him!" The wife said, kneeling down to her husband.

"We'll do everything we can, ma'am. (to the radio) Base, this is squad car 4, we need medical assistance ASAP. There is an unconscious man on the ground. Also everyone should be on the lookout for-"The second cop said before he was cutoff by his partner, who spotted Goku stumbling over the wire fence. "Scratch that, we got him." The second one said into the radio.

"Guess-where-he-stumbled into?" said the first one, panting and tired out from running. "Does-it-look-like-I know?" The second one said, also panting from running.

"Heh, heh, the baka just got into Crystal Lake penitentiary."

--

shadowjessica: Well that's it for chapter 3. Don't worry, chapter 4 (hopefully the last chapter) will be up as soon as I get done writing it down on paper! Oh and now time for Goku's little punishment for his earlier prank. I've enlisted Vegeta's help on this one.

Vegeta: Yes it will be funny seeing Kakarot squirm like a little child.

Goku: "Squirm like a little child"? J-Jessica, Wha-what the hell is h-he talking about?

Shadowjessica: This!! Vegeta, now! Hold him! (pulls out a needle)

Goku: (struggling against Vegeta's hold to get out) NEEDLE! PLEASE! JESSICA, DON'T! (gets blood drawn) YOU'RE MEAN!!

Shadowjessica & Vegeta: (evil laughter and grins) told ya!

See you next chapter my pretties!


	4. Solitary torture!

Shadowjessica: Finally! The last chapter is finished! It's been real you gu-*sees something slithering across her feet*G-Goku, did you, by any chance, see what just went over my feet?

Goku: *'innocently'*Why no, Jessica.

Shadowjessica: You did something didn't you?  
Goku: No, why would you think I did?  
Shadowjessica: because of before.

Goku:Well, I didn't.

Shadowjessica: Something's fishy…Oh yeah the story. I'll solve this mystery later! (As always, I don't own DBZ. I only own my characters and the story)

When saiyans and alcohol mix chapter 4

_Last time in "WHEN SAIYANS AND ALCOHOL MIX…"_

"_Ma'am, do you know what happened here?" one of the officers said._

"_A drunk man with spiky black hair started a fight with my husband and he knocked my husband out cold! I don't know if he's in a coma or if he's dead! Please, you've got to help him!" The wife said, kneeling down to her husband._

"_We'll do everything we can, ma'am. (to the radio) Base, this is squad car 4, we need medical assistance ASAP. There is an unconscious man on the ground. Also everyone should be on the lookout for-"The second cop said before he was cutoff by his partner, who spotted Goku stumbling over the wire fence. "Scratch that, we got him." The second one said into the radio._

"_Guess-where-he-stumbled into?" said the first one, panting and tired out from running. "Does-it-look-like-I know?" The second one said, also panting from running._

"_Heh, heh, the baka just got into Crystal Lake penitentiary."_

…_And now back to our story..._

'HAHA, those stupid cops ain't never gonna get me here!' Goku thought as he ran to the mysterious building.

Goku kept on running until he hit a brick wall, which caused the sign on it to fall. The sign read 'Crystal Lake Penitentiary Facility.' As Goku read the sign, he realized where he was.

"Crystal Lake Penitentiary?! How the hell'd I wind up here?" He asked in complete surprise.

"You walked in through the backyard…baka." Said a familiar voice to Goku.

"Wait, V-Vegeta?" Goku asked the 'familiar voice'.

"That's r-right. You-you-you-you finally committed a c-crime." Vegeta said.

"What the god-fucking-damn hell are you talkin' 'bout, Vegeta?"

"Ah-ha! Gotcha!" shouted a man from behind, which made Goku jump and shake in his boots.

"Sir, you're under arrest for public intoxication and fighting in public."

"It's that cop. But where's his partner?"  
(outside the prison)  
"I…finally…made…it." Said the second officer. "Oh God, my legs are burning.'  
(Back inside)

"Will you get inside the cell already?!" yelled the first officer.  
"No! Don't put me in there. I ain't did nothin' wrong!" Goku struggled against being put in the cell. In my opinion, I think he's gonna be put in solitary confinement.

"Alright, buddy. If you don't wanna go in the cell, then how's about a nice and comfy room with a TV set?" said the first police officer in a kind of convincing tone.

"R-Really! Ple-Please gi-give it to m-me! Any-Anything is better than sharing a c-cell with that snobbish, crybaby asshole Vegeta." Goku said.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" yelled a now-fuming Vegeta.

"You heard me, mamma's boy." Goku retorted.

"That's it!" Vegeta turned super saiyan and blasted the cell cage into a pile of melted bars. "If you want to say something about me, Kakarot, then say it to my face!" challenged Vegeta.

But before the fight could ensue any further than trash talk, Vegeta was shot with a stun gun, though it proved very ineffective.

"Try to subdue me with such trivial technology, will you?!" shouted Vegeta. Vegeta held up his hand to try to kill the police officer, but not before Goku could get free and manage to knock him out with a piece of the cell cage door Vegeta blew up earlier.

"Alright, drag him and follow me to you-know-where." The first one motioned. "You mean soli-" the second one said before being interrupted by his partner. "Idiot! Don't announce it!"

- 2 minutes later-

"So, what's your name?" the first one asked a now hand cuffed Goku.

"Wh-Why should I tell you?" Goku slurred out.

"Just cause." Responded the first officer. "Oh ok. My-My name's Goku. Son Goku."

Goku said

"And your friend?" The officer asked again.

"Him? Oh, his name's Vegeta. Vegeta Briefs."

"Thanks. Now, here's our stop. Enjoy your one-night stay."

"We will, d-don't you worry."

Now, up at the penitentiary lobby, one of our two favorite cops is looking through an address book he got off Goku while finger printing him and Vegeta earlier. He was looking for Goku's house number.

"Ah, here it is." said the officer, having located Goku's house number. He picked up the receiver of the phone and dialed in the number.

At the Son house, the phone's rings were mildly blaring only loud enough to wake up ChiChi, the lady of the house.

"Hello?" greeted a drowsy ChiChi.

"Hello, may I please speak to Mrs. Son?" asked the police officer.

"I'm Mrs. Son, who is this?" she responded.

"I'm Officer Yamaki, calling from the Crystal Lake Penitentiary facility. I'm calling to talk to you about your husband." replied Officer Yamaki.

"My husband? Why? Did Goku do something?" asked a surprised ChiChi.

A thousand thoughts were racing through her mind. What did he do? As Officer Yamaki explained, ChiChi realized that her worst thoughts had come to pass. But at the end of the explanation, she was thoroughly angry. Through and through.

"Thank you, Officer. I'll be there to get him later on." ChiChi practically slammed the phone back on the charger and went to bed again, mad at her husband for doing what he did.

So later on she woke again, made breakfast for herself, Gohan, and Goten, got ready, and headed out towards the penitentiary that held Goku in her car. When she got there, though, the day held another surprise: Bulma was there to bail out her husband, too!

"

"Bulma! What're you doing here?" ChiChi inquired. "Wait. I get it. You got a call from a police officer about Vegeta."

"You got it. The asshole is in so much trouble the he- wait a second. How come you're here?" Bulma asked with apparent suspicion.

"I got the same call about Goku last night." said a now-mad-again ChiChi. "He was arrested after he fought and injured a man."

"You mean Goku's been in here all night? I never thought that I'd see him get in this kind of trouble!" exclaimed Bulma. "Well, shall we go in?"

"Yes, let's go in there." said ChiChi, her 'frying pan of doom' in her large purse.

------Inside the prison------

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, Vegeta! Our wives are coming! We're so in for it now!" said Goku in a troubled tone of voice.

"Pipe down, Kakarot! I haven't recovered from my hangover yet!" Vegeta spat out.

"Sorry. I'm a little worried that our wives might've found out about our party night." Goku said.

"You should be worried...about how angry we are!" a voice behind poor Goku.

"Oh crap. Please don't let that be ChiChi and Bulma behind me." A worried look spread accross Goku's face. "Oh crap."

"Who were you expecting, Santa Claus?" Bulma sarcastically replied. "Where's Vegeta? I'd like to have a 'little discussion' about last night with him."

Just then, Vegeta got up, hangover and all. "Kakarot, I thought I told you to-" is what came out of his mouth before he looked on to see his and Goku's wives there. "Oh shit."

"Vegeta, what's this I hear that you nearly killed 2 people last night?" boomed the blue haired scientist.

"I-uh, I got into a fight and some stuff got thrown about and, well, they all started it! This one guy pissed me off and so did Kakarot!" boomed Vegeta.

"There's a surprise. Vegeta had a temper tantrum. Oh well, we posted your bail, guys," ChiChi stated, "so now we can all go home."

"'home?' We're free! We're free, Vegeta!" Goku said excitedly.

"Yes! We can finally get out of this hellhole! Sayonara, peons!" Vegeta said in his usual 'happy tone'.

But then both women cut in on the boy's excitement. "Don't think that we won't deal with you guys at home!" The 2 women said in unison.

"Aww! But honey!" Goku complained.

"Don't 'But honey' me, Goku! Now get out of solitary, get your things and get in the car or I'll hit you!"ChiChi threatened. Knowing what she meant, Goku went up, got his things and headed out to their car.

"Big baby." Vegeta muttered.

"You too, Vegeta." Bulma said.

"But honey..." Vegeta also complained.

"Don't pull that shit on me, Vegeta. Now get your things and get in the car!" yelled Bulma.

"Yes, dear." moaned Vegeta as he, too, got his things and headedout.

So, the two couples headed to thier respective homes. As for punishment, well, Goku had to do all the chores, minus the cooking, and was not allowed to leave their property to train for one month. Vegeta had the same thing happen to him, only he also had to cook, couldn't use the gravity room to train, and his spandex clothes taken away for one month. And they were both tortured by having to go to 'Alcoholics Anonymous' meeting every month until they were cured of their 'disease'. Fin.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shadowjessica: *whimpers*  
Goku: Sorry, Jessica's a little chicken when it comes to snakes.

Shadowjessica: SNAKES?! Wait, how did you know what it was that went accross my feet? *suspects he's behind it*  
Goku: I, uh, alright! I bought a snake and let it loose to scare you like you and Vegeta scared me with the needle. I knew you were afriad of them, so I decided to prank you with a fear like you did me! I'm sorry. Please don't kill me, Jessica! I beg of you!

Shadowjessica: I'm not gonna kill you.

Goku: Whew!

Shadowjessica: I'm congratulating you! You, the student, has both learned from and even surpassed me, the master.

Goku: YAY!

Shadowjessica: See you guys next story!  
Goku: Yeah, see you!


End file.
